The Hell and the Hierarchy

I feel far too tired to be writing a scathing attack on my day at work. Thankfully there's only half a day left until the holidays!

First lesson Drama Queen was in and did her usual, "look at me while I say something unfunny and sarcastic at this student" thing. I felt like a bartender as I sat at the desk processing books (yes the boss let me have work.) Drama Queen proceeded to tell me her ails while the boys called her name and one little turd in particular didn't shut up the entire lesson. She actually threatened to kill him and I like a good colleague I offered to help her. She did nothing to control the little fucks but protested loudly how miserable she was, how she wants out, its all too hard wahwahwah. She should try being a library assistant where you have to put up with incapable teaching staff like her.

I spent much time hearding my favourite phrase, "can I have this printed in colour". We have one coloured printer and only staff can access it. So if the boys want to print we have to do it for them. I get so fucking sick of it. Especially when half of doesn't need printed in colour at all and while they say, "you get better marks" I'm hoping that's not true. Its the content that matters not whether your title is pink and your border blue.

Drama Bitch turned up unannounced last lesson. Continues to try and befriend me. Desire to kill grows stronger every day.

There are quite a few staffing changes and the school hierarchy has changed to; Principal, Deputy Principal, Head of Senior School, Head of Middle School, Head of Primary. How many fucking people do we need? Interestingy 4 people went for the Head of Senior School position. Three were women, none of them got it. Having said that the male that got the job is lovely and so I don't mind.

Its rumoured my favourite English teacher is retiring. He's beautiful and passionate about the subject and wears a black skivvy and reminds me of a beat poet. His departure and the loss the the teaching of English makes me die a little on the inside.

The Fiasco

Its becomming apparent that this whole testing and tagging thing is becomming a bit of a fiasco..

I met the lady today who would be my 'scribe' she is about 75 with a limp - huzzah! Sadly she won' be there the one day I've offered up and has said that it'll have to be done sometime next term. Are you fucking kidding me? Sure I'll just leave the mass of returned text books that need repaired, the mass of new text books that need processed and the bagging of text books for next year and waste my time doing shit for other people.

I hate this ridiculous assumption that I do NOTHING all day! I do about 10 things before 8am. I get to work at 7:50am...

Anyway, I relayed said conversation to The Boss who said I should approach some music lackey and say I'll do it, if its an OHSW thing. Excuse me? Offer to do someone elses work on my HOLIDAY...GET FUCKED! However I'm totally fine with going in and doing my own T&T for the library. Seeing as that's where I work and I don't want to plug in the engraver and die.

Drama Bitch is still trying to be my friend. Desire to beat her to death with a stapler is not abating.

Testing Times and Tagging

A small miricle occured at recess today, so surprising that we were speechless. Instead of cramming their stinking bodies into the library the boys went outside and enjoyed the sun. It was so quiet it verged on boring.

Drama Bitch was in first lesson...I wish she'd stop insisting on trying to be my friend. It doesn't work. I still want to beat her to death with a stapler.

This week was bringing about so much promise, with only 3 and a half days until a blissful two week break. The illusion of actually having a break was completely shattered when fucktard OHSW rep/lab assistant who is over compensating for her lack of usefullness asked The Boss if I'd come in over the holidays and do some testing and tagging*. This generally would not upset me, I had been considering taking such action myself, however I am not doing the T&T for the library. It turns out the electrical goods in the music suite need done.

That's super...so why the fuck am I doing it? Oh that's right I'm the lowest on the food chain of Catholic School Pions.

To top it off Lab Ass is assigning me someone to be my 'scribe' ...uhh no I actually need to fill out the tags because I'm qualified to do so you fucking douche! Also does this mean that Lab Ass wants me to come in to do nothing more than press a bloody button?

At least I'll get paid time and a half for putting up with all their wankery.

*Testing and Tagging is a process by which all electrical goods are checked so that they don't explode and kill people.

Hyprocrisy and Idiocy

The Boss is a walking hypocrite because as I've discovered over time, while something you do may be cause for a dressing down, if she does it its a simple mistake.

Fuck I hate that!

The Boss also has a thing about my workload. I'm supposed to know everything...EVERYTHING but should I suggest something as simple as, "Should I start processing those new books?" she will sigh, cross her arms and growl, "Haven't you got anything else to do?" It turns out that I'm not actually allowed to do anything unprompted, except I'm supposed to do everything unprompted.

Are we all clear on that?

So I now work with the idea that I never ask for work. No matter how obvious it is that it needs done. As The Boss will, in time, give me full permission to do it. If I'm lucky I can miss out on her other favourite speech, "So why haven't you done it already?"

With this in mind I started Friday with absolutely no idea how I was going to waste my 8 hour working day. I opted for some shelve tidying as it always needs done because the retarded little monkeys can't deal with the whole 'putting books back' thing. I was there for no longer than 15 minutes before I was asked to go to the circ desk. I generally don't mind but I had nothing constructive to do and her Majesty Queen Sour Face the 49th wouldn't throw me a bone.

What shits me the most is that for a few weeks now we've had a woman in volunteering. She used to be a teacher but she had a breakdown or something and now she wants to work in a library...superfantasticIdon'tcare. This perfectionist imposter has been getting all the good jobs; processing new books, chatting to booksellers (I've never, ever been invited to do that) and she even gets the reshelving. The Boss happily declared how great this woman is and happily spends hours going over library procedures in a cheerful, non-aggressive manner. I can only assume if I was some menopausal old bint from a Catholic School background my boss my love me too.

The Drama Bitch was in last lesson with all her new kind of special. I had to yell at the
tards in her class to stop them from playing with the cord the dangles from the projector screen we have attached to the roof. The little fucks continued to mess with it and did that idiot do anything...noooo.
Her two greatest moments of the entire lesson were:
Drama Bitch: "If anyone uses that interpreter thing again they're gonna be in uh really...big trouble!"
Hmm terrifying...and as she walked towards me, stretching and yawning.
Drama Bitch: "You know that time on Friday aftenoon when your brain turns to putty?"
Me: "Heh yeah..."
Me Thinking: "Your brain is always putting you fucktard!"

Ahh thank whatever god you wish for Fridays...

Religion Karma and Africa

Religion teachers are a whole other kind of stupid. They have vastly inflated egos with such self importance that each and every one needs slapped with a Bible, repeatedly.

The acting Head of Religion in all her 'I think I'm really hot' (actually you're really old and I feel embarrassed by you) glory waltzed up to the circ desk and said that she wanted a powerpoint projector and screen set up in the Chapel the next morning. Oh and that they needed it done by 8:40am. There was no please, no thankyou, no offers of help. I informed my boss whose nostrils flared and lips formed a sneer. It was quickly decided that Head of Religion was a bitch and she could do it herself if she was that desperate.

Come this morning and my boss tells me that when I'm upstairs for the morning meeting I'm to inform the Head of Religion that we've not had the time to complete her request. I get upstairs and find her sitting on her arse, gasbagging to the Drama Bitch (she's a new kind of special). The Head of Religion does not take my news well and storms out.

Turns out God does not favour this particular Head of Religion as her laptop battery died a few minutes in and she had nothing to plug it into the mains. Karma is a bitch...

Drama Bitch decided to use her usual tactic last lesson and turn up with her class. No booking what so ever.
My Boss: "You're not booked in."
Drama Bitch: "Oh aren't I..." feigns surprise/retardedness "Didn't I ask someone?"
Me and My Boss: "NO!"
She proceeds to do her little girl act and my boss relents and lets her use the desks near the front. Usually she's just lets her class on the computers or crawls up someones arse until they let her share. I spent the whole time so tense I was almost shaking and fighting the urge to leap the circ desk and beat her to death with a stapler.

It wasn't all bad though. There is one African boy who can only be described as infectious. His smile, warmth and humour can brighten even the shittiest of day. Today as I was teaching him the finer art of photocopy sorting and stapling. He informed me he is going to go back to Africa and open a school where he'll teach any one who wants to learn. He said he'll take me with him. I can bring who I like. He'll pay for everything and pay me to work in the library at the school. I am so very touched and should he open that school I shall go.

The Introduction

I have the rather dubious pleasure of working in the library at an exclusive all boys private Catholic school. You know the type of place; a long waiting list of spoilt male offspring, out of date uniforms, imported Asian students whose fees keep the school funded and a gloriously tarnished paedophillic background.

I however come from a highly sinful and very public school background where I was brought up to despise those lazy fuckers in the private system and gloat over my much more socially realistic school experience.

Before undertaking this very unexpected career turn I worked in a public school library for several years and this only helped to give me a greater insight into the vast gulf between both systems.

While I could debate the pros and cons of both for hours...

Public: pro - students learn to be self sufficent.

Private: con - students need their arses wiped.

Its not the point of this blog...

What I wish to express are the day to day happenings in my little library world. From the cute and fluffy to the 'I want to smash someone in the face with a stapler' moments (see: teachers) because so much happens that shatters the illusion of this wonderful educational super power. If parents were aware of the fuckwits that actually inhabit schools and 'teach' their children they'd be mortified.

Let's begin the funsies shall we...